My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
