it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize