he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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