my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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