Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
