i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
