I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
