cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize