Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
