Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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