: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
