Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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