i wish semen tasted like chocolate
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
