Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
