Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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