when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
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