This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
