i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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