So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
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