Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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