like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
