At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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