I am puke
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
