I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize