At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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