I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
