I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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