Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
