3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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