My boss' voice literally gives me gas
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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