so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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