Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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