am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
