Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Randomize
