also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
