I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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