Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
