Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
her vagine was all disorganized.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
