you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
