if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
