so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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