if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
She just used a chaser for red wine.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
