Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
You ruined the universe
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
