Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
