Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize