Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
