Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
