I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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