I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
