this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
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