so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
