Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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