Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
