I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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