I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
