His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
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