Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
my shit smells like andre
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
