On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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