Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
