got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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