Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
where are you?
Hypothermia
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
